Hi strangers. This post is going to be about my thoughts and feelings regarding the new year. So it’s January, the start of a new chapter (at least collectively agreed upon) and everywhere you look you see the outpouring of resolutions. These are the little promises, aspirations, and changes many people send out into the world. Even the believers of more mystical things take this opportunity to throw some positive vibes into the universe. The thing is, we all know at this point that some will follow through with their resolutions and others may not find it quite that easy. Then there’s that group that just likes to be a part of tradition but I won’t speak on that.
I honestly can’t tell you when the last resolution sprang from my lips or when I’ve thought about such a centered goal encompassing an entire year of my life. I’m not very straight and narrow as you can see. However, I was surprised to find that my deep introspection has aligned with the start of a new year. I will be the first to say that I was greatly in need of a new chapter of my life. I’ve always clung to the idea that anyone can start over or make a change at any point they see fit instead of simply waiting for the “right” time. On another note it can’t hurt to join in on the universal clean slate if the stars are aligned though.
With that being said, my thoughts have come to a grand conclusion. I have to let go and make a choice on what it means to be me. This is not so much as a resolution as it is a matter that I have been putting on the back burner. It was always inevitable and I really think that now is the time. It has been relentlessly tugging at my insides. I’ve never been a very balanced person in any aspect of life ever. It’s always one extreme or the other so naturally there’s an internal battle raging within me. I have a wild soul that makes me constantly feel like there’s a fire burning inside of me and a mind of my own that travels like light speed with endless ideas. The omnipresent need to be free consumes me even when I’m in my worst state of inertia. I cut ties as fast as I make new ones and when I’m really feeling depressed I’m usually in solitude or conforming to something so robotically.
Some will say that it’s because I’m a Sagittarius which I’ll proudly accept but more deeply I feel that I am simply just one of those energies that can’t be contained. Anyone, including myself can try but ultimately it cannot be. I’m just not me without that force pulling me in all directions. I’m just not me without all of that intensity. I’ve spent so much time suppressing it with various methods and letting other standards in place do the same. I’ve let myself be guilt tripped into believing that I have to be a certain way even if it means I can’t be me. I’ve put myself on hold and honestly there’s no way I can truly live like that.
I’ve felt dead for a long time. I’ve been restricted and muted. There has been an idea looming over my head that says there’s nothing for me. Being me means only destruction yet not being seems to be doing just that. I don’t think I can continue to worry about what society wants from me or what people want any longer. I just want to feel and do things on my own terms. I can’t be programmed. Sorry if that unpredictable behavior scares you. So if that means I’m just destruction well I guess I’ll just have to be that force knocking those rules and standards down. I need to be free enough to express the very ins and out of me regardless of the consequences. Perhaps it’s a double edged sword but I would like to end on a note in which I’m completely and wholeheartedly ME.